Tache in fashion

Anyone who knows me will attest that I’m a great student of beauty. Well, after ten months in India, the findings of my survey are in: and I’m pleased to be able to report that the men and women of this fine country are no more or less attractive than people anywhere else. (No shit, sherlock, thanks for the reseach grant, etc).

But there’s one aspect of Indian masculinity that’s frankly a little troubling. What’s with all the moustaches? They’re everywhere! (Especially on the men, boom boom). Is there a war on or something? Did Peter Mandelson come here in the 1980s and start a trend? Maybe there’s a national shortage of privet hedges and it’s all part of a cunning government scheme to replace them.

In the smash-hit Bollywood caper comedy 3 Idiots, featuring eternal cheeky chappy Aamir Khan, the beleaguered college principal finally reaches breaking point when – horror! – the scamsters shave off his moustache. Obviously this is the worst fate that can befall a man.

I don’t mind your proper honest Keith Flett–approved full-on face fuzz, à la Father Christmas or my new favourite, the splendid Hashim Amla. But I’ve never been able to understand moustaches, combining as they do (a) annoying hair on your face, and (b) still having to shave. The only decent reason for facial hair, as every student knows, is good old-fashioned idleness.